About 20 minutes into this game on a bleak, wet afternoon south of the river, your correspondent was the victim of blow to the back of the head that caused a bloody nose and five minutes recuperation on the touchline. Still, the dazed confusion that characterized the remainder of his performance (and the absence of detail in this report) was still far short of that experienced by the Three Tuns defence as Garnett proceeded to score 4 goals in the first 8 or so minutes.

Both teams wore expressions of disbelief at this barrage that put the game beyond the reach of the home side in it's infant stages.

The industrious pace and work of Sherwood and Mercer was rewarded with a brace each as the opposition's defence was humbled by fine displays of pace and determination. The jury is still irreconcilably out, split by personal opinion of the client, as to whether Sherwood gained himself a first half hat-trick or an own goal was conceded. (The Panel gives the goal to Sherwood - Roger)

I cannot recall exactly when Dan 'the muppet' Sherwood scored his goals but his (debatable) second hat trick was completed in the second half alongside a cleanly struck drive from Thompson, placed neatly beyond the keeper and inside his far post; and a convincing close range side-footed finish by Thompson's replacement Sam Collins, the only acceptable finale to a clinically accurate Peter Curtis cross.

After a dream start the green and black deserve credit for maintaining their concentration throughout the game under the pressures of some heavy challenges and a foregone conclusion. Three Tuns did not give up their pursuit for a consolation goal but via organised defending and a resolute midfield performance, Garnett granted their opponents only two clear chances: subsequent to a corner, a scrambled shot was cleared off the line by the head of Rowson, and the stout frame of goalkeeper, Michael Crammond, shook off its enforced slumber to palm away a shot heading towards the top corner.

Despite the absence of Patrick Powlett, and the successful result, it is unlikely that makeshift manager Craig Rowson will be declared the Tyneside Amateur League's very own Phil Thompson - though his nose has now reached an equivalent size. He can, again, only apologise for the incomplete details of this report but considering the referee thought the result was 9-0 whilst all about him declared double figures, forgiveness is justifiable.

Team: M.Crammond, R.Cusworth, P.Curtis, M.Wonders, (A.Mallie), J.Almond, S.Cavanagh, A.Logan, D.Mercer 2 MOM, D.Sherwood 6, J.Thompson 1 (S.Collins 1), C.Rowson